I don't know what to do. 
I'm stuck in this world of arrogance
I'm wrapped up in all this doubt
scratch that, all my doubt
I'm playing scenarios one by one
I'm trying not to think of them
I have faith in him
but I'm still scared
I've haven't felt this
lonely
scared
upset
sorry
teary
in so long that I forgot
how powerless I am 
to my human emotions

He didn't have to take it
he didn't have to listen
as I belittled what affection
what love he has 
But he paid no heed
I've been a fool
I've injured the one who
means so much to me
Is it really because I always know
I'll be forgiven?
What if I don't get forgiven this time?
What will you do, stupid girl?
Will you cry forever with regret
Will you learn from your stupidity
Why is it that we hurt the ones 
we're closest too?
Everywhere hurts
my eyes
my neck
my face
And I don't know where to turn
because I already 
yelled
screamed
accused
insulted
the only one who would listen
So now what? 

I want to wrap my emotions
I want to seal my feelings
but I know I can't
Because I love him. 
So I want to make things right
because this right now
this self proclaimed pain
this self induced sorrow
is all in my head

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most." 

In a way
it's really easy to say
two simple words
stringed together 
They can be
desperately screamed
loudly sobbed
quietly mourned
hesitantly waved
timidly whispered

but

the hard part is 
the feeling when
it really is true
doesn't mean 
they will leave your life
but who they are
what you are
is gone
and all you have left
is the bittersweet memories
watching them play
as shadows in your mind
as the one in reality walks bye

it isn't simple then
it's convoluted and twists 
the thoughts just keep coming
the pictures keep dreaming
you keep crying a little
the tears finally stop
because there are no more
to deploy for your feelings
instead
you just crack on the inside
you laugh at yourself
you smile in sorrow
you finally learn to
get off your butt
keep walking forward
you leave behind a little
of yourself back
in that memory 
in that timeline

as long as it takes
I'll keep walking forward
because I have nowhere else
to go 

In a way
it's really easy to say
two simple words
stringed together 
They can be
desperately screamed
loudly sobbed
quietly mourned
hesitantly waved
timidly whispered

but

the hard part is 
the feeling when
it really is true
doesn't mean 
they will leave your life
but who they are
what you are
is gone
and all you have left
is the bittersweet memories
watching them play
as shadows in your mind
as the one in reality walks bye

it isn't simple then
it's convoluted and twists 
the thoughts just keep coming
the pictures keep dreaming
you keep crying a little
the tears finally stop
because there are no more
to deploy for your feelings
instead
you just crack on the inside
you laugh at yourself
you smile in sorrow
you finally learn to
get off your butt
keep walking forward
you leave behind a little
of yourself back
in that memory 
in that timeline

as long as it takes
I'll keep walking forward
because I have nowhere else
to go 

Those who remain
the ones I want to remember
held carefully in electric
a dial or two away
trapped forever, in a time
certainly, at that moment, only mine

The shy one, quiet gamer
endless night time buddy
online and on the line
accepted, welcomed,
and suddenly no more
fade into darkness yet another...

The eager, the fobby,
the smart and agreeable
Laughter her charm
Smile her beauty
Apologies swirl away...

Windy, loud, busy as ever
brings back such memories
of a black track and jacket
His care, thee crutch of my life
gone, in a heartbeat...

Awkward, stern
but nevertheless loving
A smile, bulkiness
Tiptoeing away into oblivion...

So let me lay here
in your cool soft hands
Pat my head, tell me it is alright
Let me know when I can
feel again.

Totally nostalgic and obsessed with this song right now. I'm not sure why. 

 Sometimes I think about what has happened in my love life these past 3 years and how I've gained so much experience in so little time. Or I guess a year is a long time to like someone. I can't tell if I've become more opened about myself, but I want to think that I have. That's I've been able to look into myself and my flaws and make a better person out of me. 

When you first fall in love with someone, it is an interesting experience. I had the (mis)fortune of having my first strangely strong relationship be one of long distance. He and I were summer camp students who immediately clicked. Or you could say he charmed me, and in a way I charmed him back. We were very emotionally close, while physically we were used to each other's hug and hang holding. I remember when we first talked and he just told me everything about his current relationship and how he was trying to figure out what to do. At the time, I was probably a rebound that ended up not being just a summer fling. We talked a lot, and understood each other very well. Much better than a lot of his friends knew him, a lot better than even he himself knew about him. Maybe it was because we didnt see each other often or he suffered separation anxiety. So when he "cheated" on me (it's not simple) and made me have to make a difficult choice, I didn't know what to do. When I first made my choice and I lost to his terms, I was devastated. I constantly looked for reasons why this could happen and such. I didnt find answers in him, so I turned to the only other person who could be at fault: me. I picked at myself constantly, I cried by myself every day and night, and I was so very confused. However, we never truly broke up until the day I asked if I could take down our linked facebooks. Even then, it wasn't really a break up as more of an anger tantrum on his side. It was horrendous trying to pull anything out of him. I called, emailed, but to no avail. It was like I had been erased from his life. And it was possible because I was just a ghost that he was dating. There were real girls around him. So I spent a year without him, and, truth be told, only time healed the wounds. 

The hardest part was accepting that things happen, people change. Not everything bad happens because you did something wrong yourself. I'm the kind of person who needs answers, but some questions will not be answered until the time is right or the person is ready. He needed more time to mature, and it has been a strange experience for me. I moved on eventually (I did make a mistake I regret to this day), and fell into the easy trap of romance. This is where I learned a LOT more about myself, and somewhat began to see his point of view. The worst part was how well I knew him and how he is a very lonely guy at times. Why did he and I click so well? 

My best answer is that he was looking for someone like me, and I was just there at the moment. However, I was fortunate that someone, my chem boy, came out of nowhere and showed me what I really wanted in a relationship. And made me realize what kind of relationship I had at first. He wasn't necessarily "using me", but more like leaning on me and using me as a support to get through life. It wasn't so much love as compassion. He needed someone to love him, and I happened to fit the tab. It sounds bad, but it is very normal, considering his family history.  It wasn't until David came along that I realized what it meant to be in a mutual relationship. You shouldn't feel obligated to make them smile or feel good all the time if you aren't. However, you lean on each other and give each other company and love that's very special. That's what I was looking for. 

After no communication for the longest time, suddenly I get a missed call for a strange number that seemed somewhat familiar, and then a text message. It really threw me off balance, but I muscled through it. The thing then I noticed was how withdrawn he has become and seemed from facebook. The guy I knew was outgoing, charming, and smiley; well liked by everyone. But that was only his outside. Inside, he had his own turmoil that he had a hard time dealing with or showing others. So I knew what he was fighting and I heard him out. 

I'm not sure quite how to take it that he has pictures of me still. He could be joking with me, but I dont have anyone to ask anyway, nor is it a pressing matter, I just feel terrible for the girl's hearts that he broke because of it (indirect accomplice booo). All I know is that he himself struggles internally with hurting anyone. He is just like that. He can't ignore someone for very long because he agonizes over how they feel and if they are happy. It doesn't make him right, but it makes you understand why he does the things he does. Isolating himself from his friends was just bringing forth his thoughts and usually normal actions. 

I'm glad I had this experience, even though I'm sure I didnt feel that way when I was going through it. It took me over a year to get over him, but I just kept going, and now I'm smarter about things, and more conscious of my own actions. Time really is the best medicine. I'm happy where I am now, in love with life, living, and my cat. These experiences, they paint my world in bold emotions, and although hard, if nothing else, we find strength in our friends to find strength within ourselves. 

/end rant 

I feel like Gonta from "John walker". I'm constantly fretting about and on edge right now. Not sure why but I feel so lonely in this house. I keep hearing that I'm lucky to have Taiwan, but (to be honest) I'd rather stay here in Berkeley and enjoy my summer researching and taking an IB class or something. Spending time with my friends and David. Just. relaxing. 

I have a curfew at 9pmish and am suppose to be asleep by midnight. I am suppose to wake up early at 8am or so, and be bouncing around the house. 

OMG IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE I HAVE HELD SOMEONE CLOSE AND SEEN FRIENDS FROM FAR AWAY *cries* Now I know why I should have gotten a license. At least I could be more useful around the house, buying groceries and such. I could get out of the house more to meet friends or at least keep my mind pre-occupied. Lately, i've been super lethargic. I'm going to blame my sleep schedule, but I don't know if anything else is wrong with me. I should be relaxed, re-vitalized, re-energized!!! But I feel worse than during finals. I need something to think of, something to pre-occupy my time. The internet is boring now. 

People are right: I can't be a solitary creature. Correction, I can't be a solitary hermit if I am in love with someone who reciprocates. I feel like I get too clingy and annoying. I shouldn't feel so chained to my phone, but anything to get away from this house. Anyone to listen to my over-dramatic pleas and cries for compassion. OTL I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy. 

Grandma: 2 Other: 0... this stubborn old lady is really giving the rest of us much heartache and headaches.
Surgery on Friday is fast approaching, which means I should get my shit done before then so that, depending on recovery time, I can just laze around and rest. I just thought abut it, and if I have surgery, does that mean I can't shower right afterwards? Or what are the protocols and procedures?  Gah I havent even paid attention to this, just "It's like going to the dentist". Well, my dentist doesnt cut and dig out birthmarks from me and then sew the ezcema-scaled skin back together. Just saying. 

I need sleep. And someone to hug. David has Tonberry! I have... my army of stuffed creatures hee hee. 

To bed! 

   

Communication. Communication. that's what people need to make good relationships. Friendships, romances, business partners, etc...  And yet why does it seem so hard to do so? Recently I've found it more and more difficult to communicate with the people around me and it is driving me insane. I'm pretty dense and I'm pretty stupid and clingy to people, so I wonder if they are agitated with me. But you know, if you dont want to be my friend, say it. If you dont want what we have, say it. I dont want an "easy let down" or what not crap. Just say it. Because it hurts more when I can't figure out what is wrong and why the air feels tight, but we're still forcing smiles on both sides. Because I dont want to doubt you, because what if I am wrong? Then I'm a terrible friend, terrible person to have doubted you. 

We all have our insecurities, and I guess that is mine. I wonder if he wants us together, or if I am too much for him. Maybe I'm disappointing to him. Maybe he can't live with me because I'm not good enough or "too good" as he says. It isn't fair. I know he went through a lot to win my favor, but after the pursuit, he has gotten his goal. So now what? The chase is over, what now for him? Should I treat him badly, will he stay with me? It's really hard and complex to be thinking in my mind right now. I don't want to be manipulated. It's scary. It leaves me vulnerable. 

But my words are useless. They are boring and trivial. They are meaningless and I should stop giving them meaning. I'm afraid and scared, but of what? My own shadow? Possibly. I just want to know that what we have isn't something painful, something burdensome to him, something less than ideal. 

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm "too good for them" and using that as an excuse to walk away from me. If I'm too good for them, why are they leaving in the first place? In the end, it feels like I'm not good enough for them. And that hurts the most. I cant ask them to change for me because I dont deserve to be changed for. I dont deserve anyone and I dont deserve to have anyone think I am special. Ugh this is difficult. I;m glad he cant see me now because these tears are really painful. But he'll never know or care. And now I'm the bad guy thinking like that.