So I took a hike yesterday high up onto the Hill at midnight with Chem Boy and his dorm buddies. It was pretty quiet at night, walking up hill while the guys were joking and laughing. I was enjoying the quietness (but I feel like I made the situation really awkward for them... I just didn't feel like talking.) I think he's the kind of person that cannot sit in silence for too long and enjoy the stars. But it was very nostalgic to stare up at the sky and just breathe. It made me think a lot about life.

What are memories? What is the difference between infatuation and love? If the person you love died, what would you do? I think infatuation and true love would be differentiable. Would you just find a replacement and forget then memories? I believe I'm the kind who would hold on, especially if it is someone I really love. I am a confusing and contradictory character. No surprise, especially since I can't differentiate between dreams and realities. There is so much I want, yet I have to abstain from it all. I need to keep my inner desires under control, which has been slowly vented over manga reading and anime watching. I feel so restless. I want to run and keep running and never look back. I want to escape and just lay down and look at the sky. I wish I could be with someone, to keep me company. But I'm detestable as a partner. I don't understand how to love. I am full of contradictions. I love you, but I just can't say it out loud. Love is not like a manga, and if it is, I am only a side character. Disposable.

What I really hate about manga now is that the romances are starting to strike a stronger cord in me, and it hurts reading them sometimes. I kneel over as if taking a blow to the gut and I fall to tears. Yesterday, I just wanted to lay there forever in the cold and lose feeling to my fingers and toes and face. Thank goodness the tears dried before they left my eyes.

The tears from your eyes, maybe I'm just not the one for you... I believe I have many amends to make, and I have to suffer because of them. What is the truth? Why are you the one speaking such heartfelt words? Since when was I a prisoner of my own desires and dreams and needs? Would I end up choosing an infatuation because they gave me what I wanted fast, or my true love even though he is not a romantic? Why can't I stop hurting? What am I scared of? That you hate me? That I will be forgotten? That is the most devastating part: being forgotten.

I watched Princess Mononoke and I nearly cried. There is just an essence of innocence and maturity that flies about that movie. The separation is like long distance, so why does it hurt more the second time around? To think about it? Why am I grasping onto a thread and hoping it will keep me from falling?

To see with eyes unclouded. Everyone is cursed. You're beautiful. I like you, but I cannot forgive what the humans have done. He cannot die. He is life itself. Are you leading me on the right path or are you trying to get me lost? A wolf's head can still bite when dead. I'll show you how to kill a god. And here I was saving the last of my energy for that woman. He gives life and also takes it away.

Chem boy is right: watch a movie too many times and the magic is gone.

Chem Boy is a boy...
A boy who wears glasses
Glasses rimmed black
Black hair neatly combed
Combed but still stylishly messy
Messy hair but beautiful smile
smile that is white and cute
Cute eyes laughing under the lenses
Lenses reflecting thoughtful eyes looking
Looking with interest, and laughter
Laughter that doesn't hesitate
Hesitate like his text messages
Messages unclear and uncertain
uncertain as to his motives
Motives too human and cynical
Cynical from too much experience
experience that leave cold the heart
Heart, why do you not respond to the brain?
Brain, why do you fall so into the trap
Trap set by the diabolical
Diabolical self, be careful
Careful of destroying your own happiness
Happiness, what is it?
It is Chem Boy asking me to lunch twice
Twice, or is it?

So I'm going in for counseling. In reality, I don't think i really need it. But I'm going because someone I love wants me to. I don't know how it is going to turn out. I am pretty sure I don't have any psychological problems, because if I did then I wouldn't even be going. I would have denied it over and over again and shut others out.

Or is it because I really care? I don't know. After all that happened, my emotions shut down again. Is it a defense mechanism? I thought I was beginning to feel more again, but then suddenly I closed down. It seems I only find emotions in the music I listen to. Why can't I be serious when something painful is happening? I don't really feel. I only know awkwardness and become indifferent. I want to be alone, but it is hard to. Especially in this school setting. Everyone is interacting, and I have always been known as the comforting support person who listens. So I can't take a break from this.

I guess I'm tired of people always giving me tough love. It is really bad that I give off such an aura of confidence and strength that people believe I can handle everything straight. For the most part I do. But where does that leave me in turns of affection and love? Sure, tough love makes us stronger, but even at some point even the strongest warriors need some comfort. I guess I wasn't finding that. there was only once that someone gave me that comfort and didn't immediately tell me that I was stupid and should move on. They were caring and was gentle. Sadly, she cannot always be there for me (not her fault). But i appreciate her so much.

i don't need you to tell me that I am weak. i don't need you to tell me that I am stupid and not strong enough. Why do you think these things happen? You think you are the only one hurting and crying and thinking.... but really, can't you see me? I guess not.

Cold heart, can it ever melt?

Here Without You- 3 Doors Down

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p_hmyYwbUE

Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2IQuCsPXq4

Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h0rfIIpaT0

So apparently one of my friends is being stalked by a super obsessive girl who is really strong/ As in, almost blackmail strong. And yet, although she's basically forcing him to do things with her (in a not innocent way), he still feels bad.

What's wrong with this picture? I hate this. I hate it when my friends are in a bind and I can't help them
 
damnit. you aren't allowed to meditate in the hallways. oh well. it's alright.

i want my night back.

I miss you so much
you who stole my heart so many years ago
I can't believe I finally found
the key to the lock

You are the fire that burns the ice
that has frosted my thoracic chamber
Perhaps being a heat vampire isn't so bad
Don't you miss me now in all this heat?

My chest is starting to feel again
reading so much manga
watching so many couples holding hands
Why couldn't we ever be like that?
Maybe we are stupid, yes, that must be it
Even he was smart enough to leave me
for someone who would always be at his side
Not like me

Flying solo.

do you trust me? So far away
we used to be so near and now
we will be  far away
for over four years
maybe more

Maybe chest is tingling
The numbness is leaving

I miss you

and guess what?

i love you.

That’s not it. It’s just that I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t know why. .. I don’t know why I can’t do anything but apologize. I’m scared and I want to run away but at the same time I want someone to cling onto. It’s as if… 

I am confused about what I am suppose to do. I am confused about my feelings. Shouldn't someone be happy if the person they have liked for over 8 years now tells them, "I have liked you for five or six years. Will you go out with me?" Shouldn't I be celebrating that it was not unrequited love for so long and that someone does care about me? instead, why did I cry? Why did I feel so much sadness come down upon me? Why did I ask in such a sorrowful voice, "Why so late?" 

It's  like finding a bucket of water after the fire has already torn through the forest and destroyed everything in its path. The water which could have been used to quench the tree's thirst and allow it to grow which much love and care comes too late. Although the tree wants that water, the fire has already torn down everything within the tree. The roots are gone, the leaves and branches just ash. can the tree be saved? Can it?

Isn't life so cruel sometimes? No one asked for equalness or fairness, but at least love could be given right? i don't want pity and a subordination. I don't even know what I want anymore. And this confusion is making me slip backwards into indifference. When life was easy and I could be a pessimist and still continue waking up every day and going to work. I would give up to let others have what they want. Is that fair?

I have no right to go and interfere with someone else's life. And I haven't. I have been the passive sacrfice. Until one day someone told me not to be the sacrifice. And such an odd notion never occured to me before. I could be selfish. If I wanted something, I could say I want it and keep it. I was enthusiastic. And then I fell off a cliff. Because the same person that told me to be a sacrifice asked me to sacrfice myself so that someone else could be happy. And that stunned me. So now where am i suppose to go? I tried being selfish, but now not only am I still a sacrifice, but I am being lied to. I am being condemned to my corner and ignored. What sort of existence does anyone have when they are ignored? Why do you think I always want to extend myself to the people who are alone?

because it hurts to stand alone. Even in such a crowded room, I can still manage to feel alone. I feel tainted and ugly. I am a coward and I have no backbone. I bend to the whims of others and let them define what I am, who I am. Why? because I don't see what other purpose I have in life.

Lately, I've been letting my emotions explode too quickly. I've been getting better at containing them, but sometimes the ugliness comes spilling out. And I somehow can't get it clean. I am looking for something good or pure left and I cannot find it.

I know it is there. i see it in my memories. She is a lost child laughing and singing and dancing. I look in the mirror and I want to find her. But she is so volatile. Sometimes i wish I could grab her and give her away to someone else who had better luck. So that she can flourish while i withdraw back to my stoic self.

Who am I? What makes me happy? What is my purpose in life? Why do I smile? Why do I laugh? Can polar bears defeat every single creature in the world?

 

I feel like I've been living detached from my existence. Like everything that is me talking, walking, working is already pre-set. It is almost like I am watching a movie because my brain keeps thinking and talking separately. Am I going crazy, or am I just lonely? I can't remember much of what I say or do. But at the moment the words come like I am reading a script. All my experiences recently, I don't remember feeling them. It is like going through a photo album. Am I really here? Or am I laying dormant until I can spring the trap and take over my life again? Is this what it is like to live without a consciousness? 

I think I am still searching and my mind is not at ease. I couldn't sleep last night because my neurons were firing. He was talking to me again, but I refused to respond. He was methodically going through all the jumbled mass called emotions that were running through me. And reminding me of what I had to do the next day. Then he knocked me out instantly. I woke up and saw that it was 6 am and the outside was so beautiful. I yearned to go outside and I fought with my body and struggled with my common sense but they won. As I stayed in bed, I cried so pitifully against my existence. Who is really in control?

I can't remember the happiness. I don't even know if there was any happiness. There should have been from past experiences. But it feels like my heart is gone. I can't feel anything.  don't understand why there are tears. I am so confused right now. What is the truth and what is my fantasy? Do I trust words anymore?

I keep getting headaches and I don't know how to stop the pain in my jaw. I took a Mortin for the pain, but the throbbing never goes away. I need help. But I don't want to resort to pure emotion. I want o learn patience. I want to learn strength the hard way. But I want to be in control. I want stability. There are so many I wants, you greedy pig. Stop it. Just let things be.

I wonder if I am living in my memories. Hiding there in safety. I don't know, because my memories feel incomplete. I am still searching.

Headache returns. Must get some rest.

If I were the rain, could I connect with someone's heart, as the rain can unite the eternally separated earth and sky?

I am waiting. But I am falling.  I will catch myself and then what? you have my heart hostage and I can't get it back. 

What if you lost me?
What if I ran away into a field of soft warm grasses
that gently embraced me in soft comfort
and lay me down to rest in a bed
of sweet and happy dreams?
Would you come and find me?
Would you come and search for me
and drag me away
before the intoxication takes me away
to a world whee we will never be together again?

I fought and screamed
and cried and broke my heart
when you became lost
and refused to be found...
I kept my promise to you and fought
for your heart
and for mine, which you had already taken
ransom so long ago.
I have the battle scars that bled
but there was no pain greater than that
of losing you.

I am lying down in this soft grass
waiting for you to come and find me
I am scared, my love
I am lost, mi amor
My head is turned towards the sky
so peaceful and dark
It is quiet morning
bringing back nostalgic memories threatening
to drown me in these rains uncommon

have you already forgotten?
are you already walking away?
Will you leave me in this sea of grass
to forever wait for you?

So i wait
not as glorious as Sleeping Beauty
nor as beloved as Snow White
who wait for their prince to come and
wake them up with true love's first kiss

I wait
in memory of all that is happiness
And I shall never fall but once
only falling more and more in love
with you.

countdown begins

"Not so long ago, before I met you, I was nothing but sleepless nights."

Am I making excuses to save you or to save me? Is someone else using your free minutes? Sometimes I am wary, and other times I am weary. I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

Did ANYONE know that the ending credits of Chocobo tales was a mini game?!?!?!? I mean, wth!! I was waiting for the credits to finish as I began counting chocobo like I told Prince I would to get to sleep. Then suddenly, my "high score" was 0!! ZERO!!!!!!!! >_> seriously, it was quite shocking to me.

Do I love myself? I don't know if I have that ability. So I guess I am going to remain ugly forever and forever and always be in denial. Because no one cares about my feelings. They don't care that I wish I could be the only one in their dreams, to be love back. It is like no one but me is remembering these memories. I can't help and feel lonely. I guess this is why I keep calling people and always answer my phone. Because I want everyone who needs love to get love. I will always smile the most because I want others to smile too. I don't have feelings like others because I have an alter ego to hide them away.

Can you see me crying? Of course not. Because I cry in the rain. I cry behind a smile with eyes saddened only in the dark. I keep my sad eyes on in the dark, in the wind when I squint and pretend I have contact issues. When I was sitting with Prince on the hill at night and feeling sorry for myself, I was glad for the darkness and fog. To keep my mask on, which was cracking. Luckily for me, Prince came to my rescue and gave me a reason to laugh. He reminded me of what I grew up with in my heart. To be true to myself.

When I jumped, Prince caught me. It felt nice that I didn't have to hit the rocks.

5 scars and another one to come.

Scream: High School Musical 3
Sorry: Jay Chou

I have finally found my purpose after many weeks of contemplation. Or maybe it was that time of the month that was making me so moody. So insecure. I went on many walks, getting lost. And in the end, it was myself that found me. There was no prince in shining armor waiting for me to rescue me. There was no valiant knight waiting to slay the dragon. There was no romantic boy who was going to keep me from sacrificing myself again, just like in those Korean dramas. There was only me and Spark. And Spark saved me. Gave me a purpose to live for and a reason to stay happy despite all that was happening.

I smile because I want you all to be happy. I laugh because I want you all the smile and find happiness in living. I believe it is worth saving someone who no longer wants to live. And even if that person chooses to die and succeeds, I will never forget them. I will always remember them for all the wonderful things they have done. Everyone wants to be loved and remembered. And I will do that.

I do not cry when people do not call. I no longer feel sorry for myself when I am left behind. I don't try to reason: I just tell myself that the person is happy. They are finding and living life to the fullest. And that is the best anyone can do. It is not about me anymore.

I am a child coming off the addiction of easy love. Of always having someone to comfort me and love me. I am going through withdrawls,  but coming back stronger. The worlds doesn't care for anyone, so I want to care about others so that they can live under the protection of wings. But to what extent is caring considered cheating? Considered morally wrong?

To him, do as you please. If you hold another girl's hand or kiss someone else's cheek or ignore me for someone else, I guess that is fate. Please don't ask me to forgive you if I feel hurt and left alone. You can choose your own path. If you decide that you no longer need me, I will be your friend and step away. My honor and pride mean nothing if it blocks your happiness. If anyone wants to disown me as a friend for the same reasons, that's fine too.

Let me fall: I will fall and no one will catch me. But I will survive. Don't i always have to move foward alone anyway?

5 scars for the 5 failures that have occured so far. There will be more.

when boy meets girl
his whole world changes just like that
it starts with the question "does she like me back?"

when girl meets boy
there's no significant change in her world
it starts with the answer "i'm sure he likes some other girl."

when boy likes girl
she's on his mind every single day
its that feeling of "i'll serve her my heart on a shiny silver tray."
its the thoughts of "if we were together, we'd be perfect in every way ."
she's everything to him with only one thought of dismay.

when girl likes boy
he's on her mind but closer to her heart
its that feeling of "he's my glimmering light in the dark."
its the thoughts of "i hope he'll feel that same spark."
he's everything to her with only one hesitant remark.

"What if she doesn't like me back?"
"What if he doesn't like me back?"
And all both can say is the simple phrase "i like you."
Just tell the other "i like you,"
"i really like you, and i hope you like me too."



I like you

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love you. i know you care about me. I am trying to be honest with you and with myself. I am sorry I am making myself cry and sometimes blaming it on you. I am sorry I go wandering, trying to get lost, waiting to be found. I keep wandering in and out of my memory, looking for you and my patch of grass. Looking for the day we got to spend, just the two of us, in the quiet town of Davis. How we played tennis and laughed and laughed and were together. How we ate dinner from paper sacks and talked and enjoyed the others company. how we slept in the grass near one another, holding onto what happiness we had. there were no tears. and i'm searching, searching for that memory. getting lost and falling, falling more and more in love with you.

will you catch me? i trust you. you will catch me. That's the funny thing about me. I am a lover. I want people to feel wanted. Yet, even lovers need love. But once you love so much that it hurts, you can't do anything but love more. More and more, I am not understanding what we are, what we have. However, I love you. Do you love me?

Do you still look at my pictures and think of me as your girlfriend? The girl you fell in love with and would want to stay with? The girl who laughs and runs barefoot through the roads? The girl that plays tennis with a smile and spins around like an idiot? She is still here, waiting for you. Her smile is still waiting to be returned by one of yours. Her kiss waiting to be given to you.

I keep saying really rash things. My mouth is running around without a brain to keep it silent. The little finch is flying around like crazy, unable to stay stronger and settle down. Isn't it funny? We always want second chances, but it is hard for ourselves to give others a second chance. Maybe it is because we need time? Trust is hard to build up but so easily destroyed, but I am stronger than doubt. Am I? I hope I am, or I'd be a hypocrite.  It's never the same again. What someone says with their mouth means nothing. It is about seeing the eyes. Was it just infatuation? Don't be cruel please. But i am crueler? Why am I so doubtful? Sacrifice? I don't want to...

DAMN IT I  TRUST YOU! I TRUST YOU AND I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN I SAY STUPID THINGS TO HURT YOU.

I wish i could see your face. I wish I was able to read your expressions, watch you age. Why can I speak so strongly during the day but begin to feel so insecure at night? There are so many memories floating about, so many happy memories I want to keep alive. What is wrong with me? I am being selfish? I am making all the fatal mistakes the girls in those manga makes that makes the guy run away with another girl. I am being your typical girl. Rawr/.... i am being an idiot... such a loser i am

I am ever thankful for my friends who help to preoccupy my time. They keep my mind in the clouds and keep the finch busy. Give it the food and water to keep it going. That might be why at night she can't sleep. But she will be alright.. Her friend is right: we will be able to make it through.

--------------------------------------------------edit----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All we want is love is this world...
caring by friends, family, perhaps a significant other?
When will I find the right balance...
and attain all happiness?

What i had before was just a
dream... to let the small
finch that resides in my heart sleep
just a bit more peacefully

----------------------------------------------- edit ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hale Broken Sonnet Lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgaMMjMj5as


And now I concede on the night
of this fifteenth song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And now I will admit in this fourth line
That I love you, that i love you

I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do

Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side

The clock on the TV says 8:39 p.m.
It's the same, it's the same
And in this next line I'll say it all over again
That I love you, that i love you

I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do

Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go, will never let go

I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go, never let go

But still I see the tears from your eyes
Maybe I'm just not the one for you

Unrequited love hurts.

You lied to me. No, I lied to myself. I believed that maybe you still loved me. I was wrong, wasn't I? I hate being right. Why? Is this punishment? Is this a reality check? Is this how you want me to feel? Why is it now that you have decided to keep someone else's word and abandon mine? Am I really that worthless? What do you want from me? What do I want from you?

I am tired of trusting people. Every one of you, the ones I thought were closest to me, have left me. Why? Why is it only now, in the last two weeks, that I have truly realized who are my real friends. And they are going to be taken away from me so soon. Why?

I want to go back. I want to continue living in my month of happiness. I am afraid. No, I'm not. I am sad. Sad that all this had to happen. Sad that this will end as another Jess year. You lie to any girl, but you can never lie to a tomboy.

Why is it the guys I fall in love with always manage to break my heart? The only guys I ever truly truly ever have feelings for are never going to be mine. Why is that? Do I have some flaw? Why cannot one side be stronger? Isn't it funny? What I always worry about comes true. Why can't I have this greatness of academic tests or something?

I want to stop speaking out loud. Every time I say something, I make matters worse. Every time I start dreaming, I get crushed.

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I FIND HAPPINESS SOMEONE HAS TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?!?!?! Why do you hate me so much? What did I do to deserve this? Oh right, I'm a mass murderer or something. I've wronged so many people and I've hurt so many innocent bystanders.

You know what? YOU aren't the only one who has been lonely. YOU aren't the only one who hasn't felt pain when other happy couples dance about. YOU aren't the one who went to formal by herself and tried to be happy. YOU aren't able to tear apart another guy's heart into little shreds just because you wanted to make sure you could be with the one you loved.  YOU aren't trying enough, and now you want to give up? And you are going back to someone else who made you break your promise with me?  You want ME to share? ME to share a boy I love? Haha... a good joke, right?

I am sorry.  I am sorry I can't give you my warmth or company. I am sorry I can't directly support you. I am sorry I didn't catch on earlier that maybe you don't love me. I am sorry that I am preventing you from being with someone "you love". I am sorry I couldn't be stronger. I am sorry I loved you and caused you trouble. I am sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I am sorry I have so many friends that are guys. I am sorry I am not innocent. I am sorry I am having a hard time letting you go. I am sorry you can't choose. I am sorry I couldn't be a better girlfriend. I am sorry for calling you so much. I am sorry for falling short of whatever you believed or wanted me to be. I am sorry for being a bother, an obligation. I am sorry I couldn't be kind like you and not break and tear apart someone else's heart.

I am no longer a small child. I feel like I grew up too fast. I am just realizing how much I have not been able to experience. I am... tired already. Of having to grow up. Dreading the future. I am trying to protect my heart. I wish I could wait forever, a hopeful princess trapped in a tower, waiting for a prince charming. Not be broken down like this. I am weary of men.

If I could fail this much already, what will the future hold for me? I am weak. I am stupid. I am a weak and stupid girl. I can break guy's hearts but I can't even have the ones I love stay with me. They aren't really willing to give up another girl to be with me. I am a misogynist, and guys are not mine anymore.

I hate humans.

I have many close friends, which is interesting because most of the people I consider myself close to I have only known for a very brief time in my life. Sometimes it is how we met that makes us so close. We have a connection that develops quickly but forms strongly. It took me 8 years or so to crack open a mystery, but now I know them all so well. I can read them like pages in a book, yet there is still some mystery to them. I never quite understand why they do the things they do. Where they get the kindest to buy flowers for me during the performance, or dance the night away at prom.

I want to be that close with everyone. I am already feeling a bit lonely without them, because I know that once I hit college, there will be no more chocobo rides or monkey tactics. There will be no more surprise appearances at performances and random flower giving. There will be no more lunch times spent chatting about nothing at all. With adulthood comes a barrier between us, because our genders are different. Sad, isn't it?

I miss you. I miss being near you. I feel so distant now, but what can I do? Am I cruel, to hold so close onto someone I love? Shouldn't I be able to just live with the memories and be happy enough? No, what am I saying?

I love you. I hope you know who you are. I am sorry I have hurt you unnecessarily. Happy 10 months my prince. It has been a pretty good ten months. It can't have been any better with all the random stuff that happened... all the hurt... all the distance. I miss you and I love you.

What sort of love is this?
So open ended
left to the fates
and to trust

such a weakling it is
trust
that few dare to leave that
to support a love.

yet...

am i being called dumb?
to believe in it...
there has already been more and more
distance
and i am afraid of
falling?
lying?
being left behind?
losing?
becoming lost and never found?

i have nothing left
but to love
so let me please

even if i will fall
off a cliff
at least my fog prince
may catch me
and lighten the blow
of Nico's blade.